satellite, your guiding light

in search of something deeper.

2009-03-29T05:15:00.001+08:00

Gone. Not coming back till I find it.

I don't care anymore.

2009-03-24T02:33:00.002+08:00

I can't be bothered with this anymore. A broken home is no home to return to. And so, I'm not going to sit around wallowing in self-pity. I don't need your money, if you have any in the first place. You can keep it as well as your whining to yourself. I've been living in this condition silently for most of my life, and I'm telling you I don't need you around anymore. You are neither a housewife nor an employee, therefore not contributing in any way to the household.

I don't care what you work as, what you do, or whatever happens, cos seriously I'm tired of your endless excuses and zero net productivity.

You've been blessed a child with multiple talents and abilities, yet he is dampened by your lack of support in all aspects. Though you may claim otherwise, the result is evidence enough. I've had it with this. I'm not going to push for your support anymore. Go find if you will, another son that will spend only $100 monthly and still tolerate it.

There is NO WAY you can support someone with just that sum of money, let alone his talent/passion.

I'm going off to work. I don't need to be in class when school reopens, cos either way I wont be concentrating in class with the thought of money at the back of my head.

and until I can make a decent living whilst studying, or otherwise, I'm quitting my music, computer tech-ing and guitar works.

I've already got a job and making more money than you are. I don't see whats so hard about working. Maybe you're just fussy.

Well its about time you made a choice in life. Between what is right, and that which is easy.

You're not even paying for my school education nor any of my individual expenses. I don't see why you can't contribute to even put food on the table. I'm sick and tired of eating out, its not healthy at all for the wallet nor body. So I'm gonna cook and buy my own foodstuffs.

And now you're nagging at me for being more useful around the house than you are? Complaining that I'm always cooking for myself when you starve every day? Then congratulations mom, you are now obsolete in my life.

At this rate, how could you become a respectable grandmother when your only son looks upon you as a mere equal?

Now that I'm on my own two feet. I realize the feeling is no different than before. Mom present or otherwise. Sad but true.

Within reach

2009-03-23T10:34:00.001+08:00

A choice to make, with equally heavy consequences either way. Am I doing the right thing?

Avenge!

2009-03-20T03:16:00.001+08:00

It is my deepest regret to see someone like you, who was by my side during thick and thin, to deserve a fate like this. Seeing you fallen like this, unable to pursue your dreams anymore, breaks my heart.

Those time where we would stone in class together, oblivious to the impending tests. Then, in the 11th hour just surge through our work. You reassured me when I had doubts. And I did likewise. For your weakness was my strength, and vice-versa.

Whenever I would falter over those intimidating maths questions, you would see me through it, always with your laid-back and easygoing personality. Even amidst my silly questions and mistakes, you still pressed on, till I understood it.

For someone like me who totally cannot think in mathematical terms my entire life, you have turned all of that around and now I stand tall knowing it is now my strongest subject.

Even through all those dark hours together, the relentless assignments, biased marking schemes and insults people would hurl at you, we would still laugh through them together.

You have really changed me.

But when I received the ill news, I can't help but recall the old times and how far we've progressed as a team. It breaks my heart, what was once 4. And now only 3 remain.

I could see deep down, you really wanted to stay with us and graduate together with a diploma in Biomedical Science. And now that you can no longer achieve that dream, I shall take it upon myself to honor our brotherhood and achieve for you that which you failed, in your name.

Rest easy knowing I will not allow your name to be forgotten or slandered. It is the least I can do for everything you've done for me, and the rest of DBS1B01.

Take care, Farhadi.

Determination

2009-03-19T05:16:00.000+08:00

There are only 2 types of people in the world. Those who say, "I can't." and those who say, "I can...".

Coming soon

2009-03-10T12:57:00.000+08:00

3 legs, intense, and not for the faint of heart.
Soon.

Update

2009-03-04T11:33:00.001+08:00

Been busy lately, now with exams over, I'm frantically making the best out of my holidays, for there won't be anymore in years 2 and 3.

2009-02-14T19:54:00.001+08:00

all I wanted was for today to be the sweetest day of your life. but instead I got you caught up in my worries. my greatest fear also came to light today- someone else's tears on my concience. I hate myself. Such things must not happen again.

Pictures from NUS-SP

2009-02-12T07:02:00.001+08:00

Some pictures from the match. This is my first opponent Florian.

I guess I could call myself lucky. How often do you get to fight an European dude? Let alone in a silat match. And Mus's inside joke (how many times in your life do u get to knock the wind out of an European guy and watch him cringe in pain.). Funny as hell. video soon!

This is Hakim my second opponent. Typical nafsu tak tau control guy.

Overall everyone did well! Especially Afiq. Hurhur dalam diam eh!

laters.

Busy

2009-02-09T23:38:00.001+08:00

So many things to do, so little time.
Tests and submissions every single day. But it'll be over soon!
and SP vs. NUS was a blast!
Fought twice, 2x the experience.

National Vertical Marathon sucks.

A part of your life

2009-02-05T23:43:00.001+08:00

be one with the void,
slice,
snap,
break.
the void will protect you.

he said...

2009-01-31T19:51:00.001+08:00

love exists in many forms.

but the meaning of which does not differ. the truth lies not in how many times you tell someone you love them, nor by any act of consummation. for those are but superficial. true love lies in the little things you do for that person out of the kindness of your heart, expecting nothing in return, without them knowing.

and of course, there's no such thing as love at first sight.

understand that humans are very visually-driven.
so pause and consider; will you still have that which you do, 5-10 years down the road?
what is the one value in someone that doesen't fade, that blooms as time passes?

ponder.

Welcome aboard.

2009-01-29T22:03:00.001+08:00

Presenting the newest member of the arsenal; Mizuno Wave Precision 9!

For the longest time I've been running with my pair of Asics till I realize my foot type does not match the shoe!
I've got a high foot arch, along with a supinating (underpronation) running gait. Totally opposite compared to my Asics, which was meant for normal to flat footers, with tendency for overpronation. (Which means its actually been aggravating my problems all this while!)

And just when all that happens , I land myself a big accident that renders me incap from all upcoming competitions and races. crud.

Revalations

2009-01-18T22:02:00.001+08:00

In life there are a multitude of things I'm striving for. I abhor single-track, simple and pure minds. For example, your resident school mugger. Always delving into his books. Ask him what else he does other than study, and silence follows.
Life is not about studies, nor about money, its about living. And my life is :

1) Islam
2) Biomedical Science
3) Music (Playing/Producing/Teaching)
4) Triathlon
5) Pencak Silat
6) Modeling
7) Friends and Family

...for now.

of course, there lies a hidden entry inbetween 1 and 2.... but that's for you to find out.

Success

2009-01-15T13:33:00.001+08:00

National Heart Centre
Level 2
Wed 4 Feb, 4:45pm
Ms Poh Leng 64367619

Cardiac technology option

this cursed will

2009-01-13T00:16:00.001+08:00

for reasons beyond me, the emotions that have fragmented as the result of your demise have led to the genesis of extreme and unconditional will to cause pain unto others.

hate and spite unrelenting, and I am not intending to feel otherwise. For what use would it be to deny your true feelings. Rather, let it fill you up and poison your thoughts. Only then can you break out of your meager existence to move on to greater things.

this unforgiving and hateful rage... from deep within, a source yet to be known, riddled with malice.

2009-01-09T01:44:00.001+08:00

...love is splendid.

2009-01-08T22:34:00.001+08:00

excruciating indeed.

pain... this will be a month of pain.

2009-01-05T02:08:00.001+08:00

Regardless of what transpires, I hope that....

Realization

2009-01-02T00:41:00.003+08:00

what would you say?
... if i walked away

New Year Party

2009-01-02T00:41:00.001+08:00

hope everyone had a good time! wicked laughter and delicious food!

2008-12-30T01:27:00.001+08:00

Goodluck darl for your MST this week and next!
You have my blessings!

Nightmares

2008-12-28T03:07:00.001+08:00

its happening again, the same dream, and the same blade.
i'm certain its a sign...

Xmas Jamming - Recording

2008-12-25T02:37:00.002+08:00

Just a random doodle clip.

Upcoming hit?Maybe!

xmas jam.mp3 - BlackMoo

2008-12-25T01:24:00.001+08:00

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it’s never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

Belated Bday Outing

2008-12-23T02:02:00.002+08:00

Had lunch, just the 4 of us guys.
Regulars like me always get discounts and bigger portions =P

And also caught "Yes Man" at GVvivo. Awesome and touching story!

I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Yummy. Thanks Sam!

Hindsight

2008-12-20T02:57:00.001+08:00

Truly amazing how time flies.

How we started small and humble, shy and introverted.
Then turbulence ensued, and we held tightly onto each other.
Before long we realized, life isn't at all that dark, having each other's company in life.
And over time, these bonds grew strong, through each obstacle that crossed our paths...

We've lost some, but gained many.

It just amazes me at how fast things come together, and also come undone.

But above all, its true, I've found not friends, but my new family.

It was just us few at first.

We gained some...

And even more so...

Through the good times-

and tough times...

We all started somewhere.

Together we learned, and grew strong!

Wah my pictorial story works out huh... HAHA guess I should do stuff like this more often. Hmm... drama.

December 17 - Birthday Party

2008-12-18T13:18:00.000+08:00

As with preceding years, my birthday celebrations are usually small. Not much to blog about, but the cake was nice. Rizwan also bought me a new game, Left 4 Dead. Fariz came by and shared some stuff and hung out too. So did Jieshen. Small parties are easier, compared to the usual 'kecoh' I get by inviting everyone over.

and now that I'm 20, I've gotta work to fulfill that promise I made to 'myself' that I saw in that dream, before I hit 21.

Henderson Waves

2008-12-16T13:14:00.000+08:00

As an advance birthday thingy, we went out to a movie, then Henderson Waves.

The nasi goreng she cooked wasn't spicy enough, cos I'm kinda hantu chilli.
It was a nice quiet night out, with not much hustle and bustle of the usual urban life, an escape of sorts from daily life.

When I was growing up, I recalled being much of a city kid and not much of an outdoors person. But as I grew older, I realize I belong outside, not in the concrete prison we call home.

The pictures didn't turn out good, but hey here goes :

I'm proud of this photo, artistic in a way. Maybe I should name it. Hmmm... "The Ghost of You" . No not that emo MCR song. HAHA.

SPSC Training Camp

2008-12-14T13:09:00.001+08:00

Well well well...

Its been a great journey. From one end of a grueling race, to the jaws of friendly competition.

Training was harsh and took a toll on me due to my already compromised state. Injuries abound but having recovered from them, I feel somewhat renewed.

Theres this undying stamina pool, increased strength and curious technical ability that resulted from in-camp training.

My match with Iswandi was replaced by Shah, as Iswandi wasn't feeling too good on the first day.
The fight was fine, pity that I found Shah's weakness only at the very end.
But still, the experience gained was priceless.

For now, pictures!

Thats it for now, gotta go tend to my numerous aches and pains.

Oh yeah and the video :

Zulhan vs. Shah

Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon 2008 [42.195km]

2008-12-08T03:15:00.003+08:00

Jieshen :

"You don't mess with the Zulhan."

Yan Ren:

"You finished a marathon without even training? Not even a half marathon before? You're really something."

Farah:

"The moment you crossed that line, you proved everyone wrong about you."

Vinolia:

"You so fat, can run meh?"

Matthew:

"Theres a difference between someone who's routine to running races, as compared to someone who went the distance, against all odds to accomplish something he dreamed of. And thats what I see in you."

Limits were broken,
Bodies battered,
Knees weak,
as victors weep.

I woke up early in the morning, heading to the stadium pickup point, my pulse was racing. The anticipation, the anxiousness and gripping suspense. Was kinda apprehensive of the whole thing, as my absolute stamina limit was 15km. Not further. But its time to prove what I'm made of.

4am - Caught bus at Yishun Stadium to marathon start point. Deposited bag and waited for Yan Ren.
5am - Met up with Yan Ren and his partner, began warming up, the atmosphere was intense, almost electrifying.

5.30am - Gun went off, timing starts!

Ran together with Yan Ren. Keeping to his speed, kilometers began to fly by effortlessly. Before I knew it I was at Water Point 4. Saw the whole SPSilat team helping out with refreshments. And Zul seemed to like his job. HAHA

10km mark - Smooth going
Overtook numerous runners, Keeping up with Yan Ren and friend. Reaching my limit of 15km, stamina began to thin. At about the 12km mark, the 'tight' zone began to creep in, and my legs began to feel heavy.

12km mark -
Unable to maintain Yan Ren's pace any longer, I fell back slightly to catch my breath. Something unexpected happened. Both my legs simultaneously cramped and spasmed. I coulden't move. Yet I pushed on.... coulden't let it go yet.

15km mark -
My entire body spasmed and was fighting my effort to push on. This was indeed my limit for stamina, and my muscles were already overloaded, unable to run any further. I lay on my back and elevated my legs above my heart to drain the lactic acid from the muscles, alleviating the cramps slightly.

It was hard to believe my body shut down on me. I stopped perspiring, my body became cold, and my limbs heavy like rock. My focus was all I had left. My body was as good as useless at this point.Tempted to let go but didn't.

20km mark -
Insane.. plain insane. I've come all this way just to approach on the halfway point of the race. The sun was coming up, my body was violently protesting and I was hungry. I pushed on, despite my body cramping itself up and holding me back.

21km mark -
This was it. I coulden't hold back any longer. I needed to get a move on in the race. My body was screaming, my mind hardly wavered. So this is it, I thought. I cracked it wide open, what runners term the '2nd wing'. Suddenly it didn't hurt anymore, and I banged back into the race.

22km mark - EXTREME FATIGUE
Body fought back and shut itself down, I coulden't move at this point, I couldent sweat, or even breathe properly, but I kept everyone's words of encouragement close to my heart and pressed ahead, through the wall of pain and exhaustion.

32km mark - EXTREME FATIGUE + VIOLENT CRAMP ATTACKS
After consuming 2 powergels, energy was still close to zero. I hit the 'wall'. I coulden't run any further, coulden't walk, every step felt excruciating. Even the bananas coulden't help. I was just focusing my energy on completing the race. The route was merciless. Torturing loops and violent weather.

Worse, I began to hallucinate. First I saw the finish line up ahead, and I raced towards it only to realize its an overhead bridge. My body had begun to fail, I could no longer push it for it would just shut itself down in response. But I chose to fight the shut down and override it. Exit pain, enter gain.

At one point, I hallucinated dillies running ahead of me. As I reached out for her my hands merely passed through her sillhouette, and vanished. For some odd reason I felt sad while running. But no, I refused to give in to pure exhaustion.

But this is it. The Final 10k to victory. And against my better judgement, I pushed on, unfaltering and determined.

40km mark - BREAKING POINT - THE LIMIT
This was it. Theres nothing left in me. Not a single drop. Yet I still focused on putting one foot ahead of the other. The battle was no longer physical. It was mental. How long can you endure such pain until you give out? How long can you endure the heat? How long can you hold your focus? How could you ignore it, when your body screams in agony and violently protests.

41km mark - LIMIT BREAK
Confident that I would not let anything go, having come so far, I mustered all my strength into one final push. I managed to store a good amount of energy for a strong finish, and now's the time to use it. This would be the last distance marker I'd see, and the next would be the finish line. With this in mind, for one last time, I fought the odds.

42km mark - FINAL STRETCH
I don't know if it was the heat, the crowd, or the race, but something within me exploded. This burning will to win, this drive to eliminate all opposition. In the final stretch, i detached my mind and body, and switched into high gear, overtaking DOZENS of runners in the final stretch. Even managed to do a victory pose for mediacorp before running into the finish.

FINISH!
It was surreal. Having run for 6 hours in such conditions, and having to deal with overloaded and burdened muscles, aching joints. It was over! And the celebrations commenced shortly after. Even though I could hardly walk thereafter, I managed to meet Syafiq, Jieshen and Farah. Later, met Diana and Syaf too.

Had a celebration feast at PizzaHut.

Spite me if you want, I'll see you in the race next year.

Medal!

HAHA

Those are shorts not undies.

Maybe hes next...

Hellboy

Ok lets go eat!

Shafik = Epic Fail of Assassin's Creed

You poor lost soul...

DOMO!!! HARDO GAY DESUUU!!! OKAAAAAAAAY!

Pizza Hut!

Guess who came by?

Thats it! I'm tired and I can't do anything more. Nights!

MST : Day 2

2008-12-03T02:26:00.001+08:00

Maths B.

Drifted away... blank, coulden't finish or apply anything, the paper I handed up was quite clean. Thats all I'm saying.

MST : Day 1

2008-12-01T23:12:00.002+08:00

Today's paper was basic microbiology.

I have no idea why, but i breezed through the paper in 15 minutes and handed it up shortly after and left the room. Somehow it didn't make sense staying the entire duration if I'd already complete the paper.

Met up with the group at room, for some reason the spirits were up despite the MST, i suppose that how we are in times of calamity, high and dry.

Looking back at my lifestyle, I'm quite satisfied by it, and theres a special surprise brewing. Meanwhile I've found my inner peace, doing what I love, and leaving my troubles of the world behind.

Hmmm movie date anyone?
Quarentine is in order.

Tommorow's paper : Math B
High probability that I am : Screwed.

Realization

2008-12-01T01:25:00.001+08:00

Raising the knife,
to a picture of a life...
(I once knew..)

There comes a time,
compromising my life...
(Just want to...)

I cannot lie,
I cannot try anymore...
(To reach you...)

I cannot fight,
Raise the knife, raise the knife,
Cut through.

Nice song eh...

Somehow I realize the days are passing to quickly, I've gotta blog everyday and slow things down and account for everything. Things are just whizzing past and I can't seem to keep track.

Okay, things went well today, the fire still burns within, there's something in me trying to claw its way out. Never felt a fighting spirit this strong before.

Raising the knife,
to a picture of a life...
(I once knew...)

Enough of that for now.

The days and nights are no longer lonely, for I realize, you have never let me down. You've always been there for me, fought away the sorrows and reached me, touched my heart in ways I could never imagine.

You're the inspiration that drove me to this, and its with your guidance that I'll finish what I came to accomplish.
Even though I coulden't see it before, but I do now, and I thank you for showing me through all my challenges and giving me the strength to fight through them forevermore.

Thanks for guiding me through these trying times, Allah (Subhana Wa Ta’ala).

and no, I'm not a pretty boy, you hanzome girl.

sweeps won't work anymore

2008-11-30T02:51:00.002+08:00

Today was awesome.

It felt like I was on fire. In my head, even before I started training, I had already won.

Somehow I just had this visualization of doing that kick in my head, even without giving it much thought. As I executed it, somehow my body knew exactly what to do, when to do, and how to do it. Coulden't believe it myself too.

Taking a step forward, launching into an aerial spin, extending my back leg, and just swinging my arms as I caught air, time seemed to slow down. In the final moments of the jump, the swing reached full velocity, and my extended shin hit the bag in a huge "THUD!".

As I landed, I coulden't believe it. All thats left now is to reduce the 'wind-up' time to launch.

Had fun throwing and grappling various 'victims' today, but the highlight has got to be that 540 flying shin kick.
Well I could not catch a midair pic, so here's a standard one.

the seeds are sown

2008-11-28T20:55:00.001+08:00

never again shall emptiness rain from my eyes.

for I've risen, beyond falling, to deliver the prophecy that is your undoing.
there will be him, strength supreme. unparalleled and unchallenged.

Sum of events

2008-11-27T03:07:00.001+08:00

So much has happened in so little time. I've gained a few friends, I've lost some. Things are pushing and pulling like crazy now, but my friends are helping me along bit by bit. I've never been the sort to rely on others, but strangely with their help I seem to be doing just fine.

I sometimes don't know what to feel, maybe I've never really moved on, but the next moment I believe in something else.
I just hope after all we've been through, that I'm not forgotten, and my memories are still held dear.
Otherwise it would just be a shame to let it all go to waste, for every bit of my actions were sincere.

I'm in a precarious situation now.

Dad's ill
Biomedical science is borderline
Musical projects on hold
Singapore Marathon soon
Competition soon
Lost someone special
Lost my grip on everything

Yet through these trying times, you guys have been with me, dragging me along when I've clearly given up, always pushing me ahead. Money can buy anything these days, but not these peers definitely.

But right now, I'm facing a big challenge, one that will upset the balance of my life, possibly destabilizing it permanently, but ultimately yielding brighter days and better fruits of my labor.

I just hope at the end of it all, you'd be there waiting.

Never let your memories of me disappear...

2008-11-27T02:59:00.002+08:00

Where did we come from,
Why all here?
Where do we go when we die?
What lies beyond
And what lay before?

Is anything certain in life?

They say, "Life is too short,"
"The here and the now"
And "You're only given one shot"
But could there be more,
Have I lived before,

Or could this be all that we've got?

If I die tomorrow
I'd be all right
Because I believe
That after we're gone

The spirit carries on

I used to be frightened of dying
I used to think death was the end
But that was before
I'm not scared anymore
I know that my soul will transcend

I may never find all the answers
I may never understand why..
I may never prove
What I know to be true
But I know that I still have to try

If I die tomorrow
I'd be all right
Because I believe
That after we're gone
The spirit carries on

"Move on, be brave
Don't weep at my grave
Because I am no longer here
But please never let
Your memory of me disappear"

Safe in the light that surrounds me
Free of the fear and the pain
My questioning mind
Has helped me to find
The meaning in my life again

She's real
I finally feel
At peace with the girl in my dreams
And now that I'm here
It's perfectly clear

I found out what all of this means

If I die tomorrow
I'd be all right
Because I believe
That after we're gone
The spirit carries on

someday.

2008-11-20T11:34:00.001+08:00

someday... we're gonna rise up on that wind, you know
someday... we're dance with those lions...
someday... we gonna break free from these chains,
and keep on, keep on, keep on flying.... yeah.

19/11/08 - a dream come true

2008-11-20T01:40:00.003+08:00

Today passed by rather quickly, albeit being a long day on its own. Partly due to the anticipation, and mostly due to fatigue and being off-form.

Had class... late as usual. This is getting on my nerves, I don't have enough rest and I stay so far away from school. To you guys who live closer than me, don't be late yeah... or you'll look bad.

To think I dreamed of this once, and today it all came true.

That said, a few questions lingered in my head as I headed home in the train.

Would you like a hot, sexy girlfriend who treats you like shit?
or
Would you like a average, yet pleasant looking girlfriend, who makes you happy and appreciates?

hmm... I wonder.

16/11/08 - Swissotel Vertical Marathon 2008

2008-11-18T12:58:00.002+08:00

Woke up at 6am in the morning and headed to Swissotel with Dad to collect my race pack. The race pack was really satisfying, with plenty of goodies and magazines to boot! Got changed and prepped for the race, with Dad waiting patiently. Managed to squeeze a few shots.

The Challenge...

and the challenger...

After I got all warmed up, was time to wait in line for my turn. Guess who I met in line? I bet he was all out of web today...

Although it was early in the morning the crowd was already waiting to climb and there were only 6 in a wave, released in 1 minute intervals.

Then it started.

Within minutes I was dashing up flights of endless, endless stairs, stopping every other floor to take shots of myself. I really took my time and ran like a tourist.
After what seemed like countless steps, I reached the 50th floor. Got bored so I whipped out my camera and took a "Blair Witch" style video.

I looked up the stairwell and saw a blinding light.. I kept running towards it, and it got brighter gradually... kept pushing and pushing, overtook all the runners before me and before I knew it...

the feeling was surreal, on top of Asia's tallest hotel, all on my own effort.

it was super super bright on top, and as I slowly made my way around the helipad, a friendly lady handed me a can of redbull.

everything looks tiny..

unfinished Integrated Resort

And of course, the quintessential event signboard...

chilled on the roof awhile (actually it was burning hot) yeah. Then made my way down. Passed through my old working place, Equinox, the restaurant at the 69th floor of Swissotel. To book a table here would already cost an arm. Excluding the food and service, but the view was incredible.

also spotted the New Asia Bar ... all the upper class joints.

Went down to meet Dad, and later met Diana.
For some reason she was awfully quiet and in some sort of rush. Don't really care anymore its like I don't matter to her. Not that I mind...

The rest of the day was spent with JS and Prata, and playing RA3 :)

What a day...

2008-11-15T23:41:00.001+08:00

and the water washes it all away...

2008-11-06T12:28:00.001+08:00

I don't know what to say anymore,
hard being together,
hard to leave,

being together would yield tears,
yet to part ways would too.

living with you seems to be the only fate.

but the memory of your love for me is now dead, isn't it?

still hurts

2008-11-04T08:57:00.001+08:00

Walking down this deserted path of memories,
surrounding stars,
lost and all alone...
he tries to find his way.

With each step,
the ghost of his past,
the demons of the present...
haunts him so relentlessly

he runs the road of long lost years,
the bitter taste of wasted tears,
in search of what might've been,
what is unforseen?

The answers shrouded in the mist,
of time now distant and obscure,
looking there at last...
dead in my mind, this dreadful overture...

Chorus

Searching my soul,
as I'm facing the storm,
Emptiness rained from my eyes...

Cold and alone,
just one more tear,
forever lost in the wind,
he turns to darkness again.

Final Chorus

Tears in my eyes...
as I look to the sky
searching for traces of you.....

Silent ensued,
this sorrowful tale,
forever lost in the wind...
We turn to darkness again.

cold

2008-11-04T08:55:00.001+08:00

so much has happened, since that day. So much.

All the tears that fell when you said you coulden't love me.
All the heartache I felt when you said those words to me..
All the pain and loss surrounding me.
All these feelings I have for you now void.
as the rained poured unrelentingly, drenching me in sorrow's embrace.

this meaningless crusade, this godless endeavor.

I'm sick of being a loser. Always the one losing when everyone else wins.

Why do these feelings keep coming... always this lonely love?

Stop doing this to me...

2008-11-02T01:17:00.001+08:00

i hate you.

2008-10-28T19:53:00.004+08:00

I lay awake
I'm feeling weak
Not sure I can go on
Please take me far
There's nothing I can give
All I had is gone

Buildings fell
Stealing people's dreams

A way of life
Guess we don't fit
Fit their plans

Familiar streets
Familiar sites
Places where friends meet

It's been a while
So much has changed since then
The future seems so bleak

Nothing stands
All's been lost
They silence our despair

Keep your cool
World is watching you
Act as though you care

Buildings fell
Stealing people's dreams
A way of life
Guess we don't fit
Fit their plan

Watched so many of my
Loved ones fall today
It's like I'm standing here
With all of my past erased
The man I have become
Is not walking away

It is the memories
That makes the man you see

Buildings fell
Stealing people's dreams
A way of life
Guess we don't fit
Fit the plan

Our buildings burn
Can't comprehend
The loss surrounding me
And does it end
When no one's left to bleed

...

27/10/08 - end of us

2008-10-28T02:22:00.001+08:00

Dearest,

I'm sorry to have argued with you, but I just had to make my point clear. I'm truly disappointed and heartbroken, and I'm prepared to move on. Ever since we met I've known nothing but love for you. But alas I've got to realize the fact that you already love someone else.

And thus I shall leave you to your devices. I was never a part in your puzzle, as much as I wanted to be. You were my everything, and I never meant to say those things to you at all. If I could I would take it all back. I love you.

Dearest I'm not lying, I really really love you, honestly, with all my heart. Not because of who you are or how you look like. Its because I know who you are inside, and the flaws you have, yet I accept them that they personify you.

And you're the person I'd like to be with forever.
Forever is a heck of a long time, but I believe in it.

Given the opportunity, I'd hold your hands forever, hug you for eternity and love you even as my soul is torn asunder.

But alas, your heart's taken, and I've come to accept that.

Please be safe...

Loving, needing you always, your dearest Zulfadhli.

The love in my heart can never die. But for some reason its slowly leaking into hate. Hate for myself. I was not early enough, not strong enough, not fast enough, not good enough, not rich enough, not enough at all, to be someone that mattered to you. I've failed, but this hate will drive me to never make the same mistakes again.

One day... perhaps one day you'll come back.
bah what am I saying...

Fifie said: "you've gotta have a 'yes' 'no' mindset, otherwise you're just hurting yourself."

shes right.

My love, as much as I love you, I'd want you to be happy with him.

My answer then, is no.

I will miss you dearly.

Goodbye

20/10/08 - 26/10/08

2008-10-26T10:16:00.000+08:00

this whole week has gone by and I haven't blogged.

theres been alot on my mind, so many things I wished I told you. But I haven't got the chance.
I've met you almost every day this week. Each time you sulked, but I guess you made up for everything after that.

You always think you take a back seat in my life. But no, you're all I think about. Even when I'm out with friends. Believe me, dearest.

I've gotta go catch up on my projects and stuff. Cant believe I skipped school this week.

19/10/08 New Balance Real Run 08

2008-10-20T19:43:00.001+08:00

The day started badly, dearest called to wake me up, if not for her I woulden't be at the race venue on time. Met up with Fahmi at CEC, waiting for dearest and Shaiful to turn up.

Didn't catch much sleep or breafast that morning, that was crazy.

10K race started, Fahmi and dearest took off, wonder how their run was.

15mins later, met up with Shai, took off for the 15k.

The route:
It was insane. Seriously. There was no shelter for miles around, just you and the blazing sun. The first 4km was a dirt track, which was disadvantageous for me due to my body weight. Every step sent my foot sinking into the ground, having to jerk to pull it out again.

Having no breakfast was taking its toll, my legs felt extremely heavy. Gave up running for the 6-9km region.

at about 9km, burning from the sun's blaze, I coulden't hold out like that, so i decided to give it my all and push to the finish, ending it.

But halfway there, both my legs simultaneously cramped. I was in a world of pain. I could tell, my body ran out of electrolytes, was running purely on fat, which isn't enough for my level of expenditure.

I fought the spasming, it was really painful, running on the same legs that were cramped, and each step seemed like torture. The road back seemed to stretch further and I began to hallucinate.

I don't know how I made it back, but I did. With many hard lessons learnt.

that aside, the bunch of us had fun and enjoyed chilling out after.

eeeee...

First week of school, over.

2008-10-19T02:15:00.003+08:00

Friday:

Went to the gym to work out, but it was crowded so I gave up. Met Angel for lunch and slacked till her lessons.

Well dearest sorry I have to bring this up, but lately, I feel like I've taken a back seat in your life. Like I don't matter anymore. Everything you do, its different from how it used to be. I feel you pushing me away... I'm heartbroken, dearest.

It seems like I'm merely someone to pass the time, while you wait to go out with him.

I've expressed my sincere love for you countless times, but I've never once have you done so.

knowing where I stand, I'm deeply broken... as someone who truly loves you for who you are, no matter thick or thin.

Saturday:

Dearest was hungry, so I offered to buy some food for her, but she graciously declined. I went for Noren's wedding, it was a nice quiet affair but alas I was forgotten. So what else is new?

Called only to find out someone bought her pizza, which she clearly refused when I offered earlier. Guess you have many guys looking out for you in life. And you'd rather take things from them than me. This, coupled with the way you've been treating me, well it all adds up. You are well taken care off, and no longer need me.

I still look at our pictures daily. Though I don't know where exactly we stand. Do you even love me at all?

I'm just confused and heartbroken...

All I ever wanted, was to be with you...

Angel...

2008-10-16T23:14:00.004+08:00

Wednesday-

I fell sick, training was tough but as always my stamina carried me through. Halfway through training, my mind wandered and I began to think of the things I hated, and for some reason I got fired up. Every blow I threw had a whole new force and I would feel tireless, its something I've never felt before.

My stamina and speed are roughly there, but I'm gonna boost my power from now on. Never been a big fan of power(surprisingly) anyway, just enough to get by.

Thursday-

Sickness continued, went to school as usual albeit late. Thank God the lessons are short, cos I was sneezing and sniffling all over.

Met Angel for lunch, and she sent me to class, sweet. Thats the first time she's done that, thanks.

Actually I was not planning to hang around to wait for you after german. I left halfway for Jurong Point to get my new bag. Was thinking of catching dinner with you later, but yeah. No worries though.

I understand that you have someone to make you happy. All I've ever wanted was to see your smile, and to have you by my side. But seeing as to how attached you are to him, I'll allow you that happiness. Even if it means my departure...

2008-10-15T00:51:00.003+08:00

The first two days of school passed by quickly!

Monday-

Back to school again, caught up with my buddies,and spent most of the day with you. Worked out at SPGG gym, gonna be doing that alot this term. Waited for you to finish German, fell asleep momentarily, then we went to Queensway to shop for bags.

It was fun shopping with you, and I gotta admit you've got a nice bag for yourself, but I can't buy the same can I? The model I wanted was sold out. Frustrating... was abit pissed but you cooled me off rather quickly. Thanks =)

Had my first taste of Subway, well it tasted delicious, not to mention satisfying. The bread tasted great too!

Tuesday-

The usual time crunch of term, today I went to gym again to work on my shoulders. After that I went to Business School and saw you. It was fun watching through all 15 episodes of "Don't laugh in high school". And the dress you bought looks splendid on your figure.

Subway dinner again, this time changed vegetables and sauce. Hmmm... I think I've got a new obsession.

So nice spending the new term with you, just like old times.

12 Oct, the day of days

2008-10-13T01:48:00.002+08:00

Today was significant for me. Its the last day of my semester vacation. I slept in through till about 10am. Then Angel called, waking up to her voice was really sweet, and she told me to get dressed. So then we met up at Novena to collect our Real Run race pack.

Nice, spending the last day of my holidays with you, collecting race pack, eating at the place we first fought, all the fond memories I hold dear. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad when you told me you had to go meet him, but alas I understand.

But I felt before you go, I needed to tell you the things that weighed heavily in my heart. Bottle tree park eh? I'll remember that spot forever.

Finally confessing my love for you, while holding you close, felt surreal to me. I didn't know how else to say it, but that was the best I could. Its been an amazing, amazing month and so many things we've done together, absolutely memorable. I just felt I had to let you know how I truly felt, before its too late.

You always mention that you're someone temporary before someone better comes along, but I would never believe so. True there may be someone better for me, but its not the same person I fell deeply in love with.

"forever isn't too long to wait, for someone like you."

a rare opportunity to find someone like you, let alone know you and be close to you.

maybe you're lost or confused, but in any case, I truly love you, and thats all that matters.

SPSC Raya

2008-10-12T03:16:00.009+08:00

Today was fun,fun,fun,fun. Fun.

Met up with Angel at 845am, she was running late so I decided to buy the breakfast instead. We looked perfect in white together, she feels the same too. We took alot of pictures in the train and it turned out pretty sweet.

Met up with the rest of SPSC at Lakeside, Mus and Syami were in 'Hardo-gay mode' for the whole day, it was hilarious but soon spread to everyone! HAHA Okaaaaaay! Hardo-gay desuuuu! say,say,say,saaaaay!!!

Mus high on hard gay:

Everyone looked nice decked out in their colours, but my eyes were pretty much fixated to the one girl in white I've always admired. We headed to Uzair's house first, it seemed like some pilgrimage to a far-off place, except with nice food! Took plenty of pictures there.

Group shot:

Next was... geez memory gets sketchy when you're extremely fatigued. I think it was Zaya? I seriously forgot.... But the chicken wings there were delish.
More pics:
"LoL WTF! XD"

The next few houses came by pretty fast, interspersed by the brief, convenient bus trips.

She held my hands in the bus, that was pretty sweet, I was thinking to myself many things. Wonder what was running through her mind. Even through all the chaos in the bus, we seemed to be in our own world of each other. I've never felt anything like it before.

My one love and soul mate, I'd do anything for her.

Meanwhile, lemme introduce you to our friendly SPSC pedophile, Shaiful:

Then we arrived at Fahmi's place, was super nice with cute cats! Took lotsa pics there.

Love...

Then they came over to my place, was total chaos in my small house!

Amidst all the chaos, there was you. I melted when you sat beside me and played guitar. Don't know why, but I just did...

I still remember you staring at me most of the time, as I did too. Yet we said nothing...

The rest of the day rushed past like a blur. But all I remembered were the brief moments in the bus with you. Still don't know what was on your mind.

Wonder whats on your mind, always that listless gaze...

Even though I was tired, spending the last of the day with you was nice.
Perfect end to a beautiful day.

Took a cab back and here I am typing this entry before I sleep.
We're going out tommorow I think... its my last chance before the time crunch of term begins. I want her to know my feelings are sincere and honest.

I want you to be mine, more than anything else in this world.
I love you.

Raya outing!

2008-10-11T02:40:00.003+08:00

Met up with Syafiq, Mastura, Raihanie and geng for raya. First we all met up at Long John Silvers, before heading to my place. Had a fun time making fun of Rai. For some reason shes uber hyper today and super bimbotic, yet funny. Was fun impersonating her bimboticism.

Group shot at my place.

After that we hopped on the train towards Bukit Batok, to Syafiq's place. I think we were camwhoring in the train or something, I don't know.

This is rai.

From satellite, your guiding light

And Mastura...

From satellite, your guiding light

Pity we didn't snap any shots while at Syafiq's place. The almond crisps were nice! Headed over to Rai's place next, where I had a little booboo and blood on my satin white baju kurung. Urgh...

The cakes at Rai's place were great, then we went to play!
Shot at rai's place:

From satellite, your guiding light

It was getting late, so I headed home, changed out, and here I am in Yishun Macs sitting down typing this entry with Prata and Fura.

Called Angel to chat for abit, but she seemed preoccupied and we coulden't think of a suitable plan for tomorow. I'm guessing 'he' called, as she wanted to hang up. Typical I guess. Missing you baby, tomorrow's the SPSC raya outing, its probably the last outing we'll have in a long time. I would miss you even more then. Even though you may not share my sentiments.

I still do love you, stronger than ever infact.

see you later today...

Fixed!

2008-10-10T14:12:00.003+08:00

Finally got around to maintaining my guitar and bringing it back from the dead. Even had the time to squeeze in a recording before I fell asleep.

This song is significant to me, and I remember learning it during your 'silence'. But your smile when I played this to you, was enough. (:

Tears in Heaven : Rearranged (Eric Clapton)

As it was pretty much a 1 take, don't expect much hehe. Till next time friends, meanwhile enjoy.

Angel

2008-10-10T08:10:00.002+08:00

Sorry I couldn't spend much time talking to you yesterday, I was fixing up my guitar, and you were really tired I could see. I'm glad things are working out for you.

The insight you gave me on economics opened my eyes to the world of business that I've ignored previously.

I sometimes wonder, why was it you hesitated with me in the past. Could I be flawed, maybe you weren't really sure? Or maybe we just couldn't face the reality. But if there's one thing I know, its that nothing is impossible.

Perhaps someday you'll come to your senses.

Regretfully as vacation draws to a close, I'm going to miss all the times I've spent with you. Its been an amazing amazing, absolutely brilliant month spent together, and I cherish every moment with you. Hope as the new term unfolds, we'll spare some time to catch up.

Angel, even though it didn't end the way I wanted, you have opened my heart and touched my life and I thank you for that.

From satellite, your guiding light

my guiding light

2008-10-09T15:16:00.001+08:00

Hey guys, I'm in the process of transferring all my blog stuff here. Gonna merge the poetic;lyrical blog together with my real life blog. Maybe add in a song on top of it all.

Well a couple of things have been on my mind recently. Of prime importance, I've cleared the air with Angel, and I'm glad I did. Hope that you understand you're a big part of me, even though you've already got someone.

Such is my fate in relationships. But that's all I'd say for now. Meanwhile, I've got a student coming in at 4 and a boatload of stuff to do before school starts!

till then