I lay awake
I'm feeling weak
Not sure I can go on
Please take me far
There's nothing I can give
All I had is gone

Buildings fell
Stealing people's dreams

A way of life
Guess we don't fit
Fit their plans

Familiar streets
Familiar sites
Places where friends meet

It's been a while
So much has changed since then
The future seems so bleak

Nothing stands
All's been lost
They silence our despair

Keep your cool
World is watching you
Act as though you care

Buildings fell
Stealing people's dreams
A way of life
Guess we don't fit
Fit their plan

Watched so many of my
Loved ones fall today
It's like I'm standing here
With all of my past erased
The man I have become
Is not walking away

It is the memories
That makes the man you see

Buildings fell
Stealing people's dreams
A way of life
Guess we don't fit
Fit the plan

Our buildings burn
Can't comprehend
The loss surrounding me
And does it end
When no one's left to bleed

...

27/10/08 - end of us

Dearest,

  I'm sorry to have argued with you, but I just had to make my point clear. I'm truly disappointed and heartbroken, and I'm prepared to move on. Ever since we met I've known nothing but love for you. But alas I've got to realize the fact that you already love someone else.

And thus I shall leave you to your devices. I was never a part in your puzzle, as much as I wanted to be. You were my everything, and I never meant to say those things to you at all. If I could I would take it all back. I love you.

Dearest I'm not lying, I really really love you, honestly, with all my heart. Not because of who you are or how you look like. Its because I know who you are inside, and the flaws you have, yet I accept them that they personify you.

And you're the person I'd like to be with forever.
Forever is a heck of a long time, but I believe in it.

Given the opportunity, I'd hold your hands forever, hug you for eternity and love you even as my soul is torn asunder.

But alas, your heart's taken, and I've come to accept that.

Please be safe...

Loving, needing you always, your dearest Zulfadhli.

The love in my heart can never die. But for some reason its slowly leaking into hate. Hate for myself. I was not early enough, not strong enough, not fast enough, not good enough, not rich enough, not enough at all, to be someone that mattered to you. I've failed, but this hate will drive me to never make the same mistakes again.

One day... perhaps one day you'll come back.
bah what am I saying...



Fifie said: "you've gotta have a 'yes' 'no' mindset, otherwise you're just hurting yourself."

shes right.


My love, as much as I love you, I'd want you to be happy with him.

My answer then, is no.

I will miss you dearly.

Goodbye

20/10/08 - 26/10/08

this whole week has gone by and I haven't blogged.

theres been alot on my mind, so many things I wished I told you. But I haven't got the chance.
I've met you almost every day this week. Each time you sulked, but I guess you made up for everything after that.

You always think you take a back seat in my life. But no, you're all I think about. Even when I'm out with friends. Believe me, dearest.

I've gotta go catch up on my projects and stuff. Cant believe I skipped school this week.

19/10/08 New Balance Real Run 08

The day started badly, dearest called to wake me up, if not for her I woulden't be at the race venue on time. Met up with Fahmi at CEC, waiting for dearest and Shaiful to turn up.

Didn't catch much sleep or breafast that morning, that was crazy.

10K race started, Fahmi and dearest took off, wonder how their run was.

15mins later, met up with Shai, took off for the 15k.

The route:
It was insane. Seriously. There was no shelter for miles around, just you and the blazing sun. The first 4km was a dirt track, which was disadvantageous for me due to my body weight. Every step sent my foot sinking into the ground, having to jerk to pull it out again.

Having no breakfast was taking its toll, my legs felt extremely heavy. Gave up running for the 6-9km region.

at about 9km, burning from the sun's blaze, I coulden't hold out like that, so i decided to give it my all and push to the finish, ending it.

But halfway there, both my legs simultaneously cramped. I was in a world of pain. I could tell, my body ran out of electrolytes, was running purely on fat, which isn't enough for my level of expenditure.

I fought the spasming, it was really painful, running on the same legs that were cramped, and each step seemed like torture. The road back seemed to stretch further and I began to hallucinate.

I don't know how I made it back, but I did. With many hard lessons learnt.

that aside, the bunch of us had fun and enjoyed chilling out after.










eeeee...

First week of school, over.

Friday:

Went to the gym to work out, but it was crowded so I gave up. Met Angel for lunch and slacked till her lessons.

Well dearest sorry I have to bring this up, but lately, I feel like I've taken a back seat in your life. Like I don't matter anymore. Everything you do, its different from how it used to be. I feel you pushing me away... I'm heartbroken, dearest.

It seems like I'm merely someone to pass the time, while you wait to go out with him.

I've expressed my sincere love for you countless times, but I've never once have you done so.

knowing where I stand, I'm deeply broken... as someone who truly loves you for who you are, no matter thick or thin.

---

Saturday:

Dearest was hungry, so I offered to buy some food for her, but she graciously declined. I went for Noren's wedding, it was a nice quiet affair but alas I was forgotten. So what else is new?

Called only to find out someone bought her pizza, which she clearly refused when I offered earlier. Guess you have many guys looking out for you in life. And you'd rather take things from them than me. This, coupled with the way you've been treating me, well it all adds up. You are well taken care off, and no longer need me.

I still look at our pictures daily. Though I don't know where exactly we stand. Do you even love me at all?



I'm just confused and heartbroken...

All I ever wanted, was to be with you...

Angel...

Wednesday-

I fell sick, training was tough but as always my stamina carried me through. Halfway through training, my mind wandered and I began to think of the things I hated, and for some reason I got fired up. Every blow I threw had a whole new force and I would feel tireless, its something I've never felt before.

My stamina and speed are roughly there, but I'm gonna boost my power from now on. Never been a big fan of power(surprisingly) anyway, just enough to get by.


Thursday-

Sickness continued, went to school as usual albeit late. Thank God the lessons are short, cos I was sneezing and sniffling all over.

Met Angel for lunch, and she sent me to class, sweet. Thats the first time she's done that, thanks.

Actually I was not planning to hang around to wait for you after german. I left halfway for Jurong Point to get my new bag. Was thinking of catching dinner with you later, but yeah. No worries though.

I understand that you have someone to make you happy. All I've ever wanted was to see your smile, and to have you by my side. But seeing as to how attached you are to him, I'll allow you that happiness. Even if it means my departure...

The first two days of school passed by quickly!

Monday-

Back to school again, caught up with my buddies,and spent most of the day with you. Worked out at SPGG gym, gonna be doing that alot this term. Waited for you to finish German, fell asleep momentarily, then we went to Queensway to shop for bags.

It was fun shopping with you, and I gotta admit you've got a nice bag for yourself, but I can't buy the same can I? The model I wanted was sold out. Frustrating... was abit pissed but you cooled me off rather quickly. Thanks =)

Had my first taste of Subway, well it tasted delicious, not to mention satisfying. The bread tasted great too!

Tuesday-

The usual time crunch of term, today I went to gym again to work on my shoulders. After that I went to Business School and saw you. It was fun watching through all 15 episodes of "Don't laugh in high school". And the dress you bought looks splendid on your figure.

Subway dinner again, this time changed vegetables and sauce. Hmmm... I think I've got a new obsession.

So nice spending the new term with you, just like old times.

12 Oct, the day of days

Today was significant for me. Its the last day of my semester vacation. I slept in through till about 10am. Then Angel called, waking up to her voice was really sweet, and she told me to get dressed. So then we met up at Novena to collect our Real Run race pack.

Nice, spending the last day of my holidays with you, collecting race pack, eating at the place we first fought, all the fond memories I hold dear. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad when you told me you had to go meet him, but alas I understand.

But I felt before you go, I needed to tell you the things that weighed heavily in my heart. Bottle tree park eh? I'll remember that spot forever.

Finally confessing my love for you, while holding you close, felt surreal to me. I didn't know how else to say it, but that was the best I could. Its been an amazing, amazing month and so many things we've done together, absolutely memorable. I just felt I had to let you know how I truly felt, before its too late.

You always mention that you're someone temporary before someone better comes along, but I would never believe so. True there may be someone better for me, but its not the same person I fell deeply in love with.

"forever isn't too long to wait, for someone like you."

a rare opportunity to find someone like you, let alone know you and be close to you.

maybe you're lost or confused, but in any case, I truly love you, and thats all that matters.

SPSC Raya

Today was fun,fun,fun,fun. Fun.

Met up with Angel at 845am, she was running late so I decided to buy the breakfast instead. We looked perfect in white together, she feels the same too. We took alot of pictures in the train and it turned out pretty sweet.








Met up with the rest of SPSC at Lakeside, Mus and Syami were in 'Hardo-gay mode' for the whole day, it was hilarious but soon spread to everyone! HAHA Okaaaaaay! Hardo-gay desuuuu! say,say,say,saaaaay!!!

Mus high on hard gay:


Everyone looked nice decked out in their colours, but my eyes were pretty much fixated to the one girl in white I've always admired. We headed to Uzair's house first, it seemed like some pilgrimage to a far-off place, except with nice food! Took plenty of pictures there.



Group shot:


Next was... geez memory gets sketchy when you're extremely fatigued. I think it was Zaya? I seriously forgot.... But the chicken wings there were delish.
More pics:
"LoL WTF! XD"






The next few houses came by pretty fast, interspersed by the brief, convenient bus trips.



She held my hands in the bus, that was pretty sweet, I was thinking to myself many things. Wonder what was running through her mind. Even through all the chaos in the bus, we seemed to be in our own world of each other. I've never felt anything like it before.

My one love and soul mate, I'd do anything for her.


Meanwhile, lemme introduce you to our friendly SPSC pedophile, Shaiful:


Then we arrived at Fahmi's place, was super nice with cute cats! Took lotsa pics there.


Love...


Then they came over to my place, was total chaos in my small house!




Amidst all the chaos, there was you. I melted when you sat beside me and played guitar. Don't know why, but I just did...


I still remember you staring at me most of the time, as I did too. Yet we said nothing...


The rest of the day rushed past like a blur. But all I remembered were the brief moments in the bus with you. Still don't know what was on your mind.

Wonder whats on your mind, always that listless gaze...

Even though I was tired, spending the last of the day with you was nice.
Perfect end to a beautiful day.


Took a cab back and here I am typing this entry before I sleep.
We're going out tommorow I think... its my last chance before the time crunch of term begins. I want her to know my feelings are sincere and honest.

I want you to be mine, more than anything else in this world.
I love you.

Raya outing!

Met up with Syafiq, Mastura, Raihanie and geng for raya. First we all met up at Long John Silvers, before heading to my place. Had a fun time making fun of Rai. For some reason shes uber hyper today and super bimbotic, yet funny. Was fun impersonating her bimboticism.

Group shot at my place.



After that we hopped on the train towards Bukit Batok, to Syafiq's place. I think we were camwhoring in the train or something, I don't know.

This is rai.

From satellite, your guiding light

And Mastura...

From satellite, your guiding light

Pity we didn't snap any shots while at Syafiq's place. The almond crisps were nice! Headed over to Rai's place next, where I had a little booboo and blood on my satin white baju kurung. Urgh...

The cakes at Rai's place were great, then we went to play!
Shot at rai's place:

From satellite, your guiding light

It was getting late, so I headed home, changed out, and here I am in Yishun Macs sitting down typing this entry with Prata and Fura.

Called Angel to chat for abit, but she seemed preoccupied and we coulden't think of a suitable plan for tomorow. I'm guessing 'he' called, as she wanted to hang up. Typical I guess. Missing you baby, tomorrow's the SPSC raya outing, its probably the last outing we'll have in a long time. I would miss you even more then. Even though you may not share my sentiments.

I still do love you, stronger than ever infact.

see you later today...

Fixed!

Finally got around to maintaining my guitar and bringing it back from the dead. Even had the time to squeeze in a recording before I fell asleep.

This song is significant to me, and I remember learning it during your 'silence'. But your smile when I played this to you, was enough. (:

Tears in Heaven : Rearranged (Eric Clapton)




As it was pretty much a 1 take, don't expect much hehe. Till next time friends, meanwhile enjoy.

Angel

Sorry I couldn't spend much time talking to you yesterday, I was fixing up my guitar, and you were really tired I could see. I'm glad things are working out for you.

The insight you gave me on economics opened my eyes to the world of business that I've ignored previously.

I sometimes wonder, why was it you hesitated with me in the past. Could I be flawed, maybe you weren't really sure? Or maybe we just couldn't face the reality. But if there's one thing I know, its that nothing is impossible.

Perhaps someday you'll come to your senses.

Regretfully as vacation draws to a close, I'm going to miss all the times I've spent with you. Its been an amazing amazing, absolutely brilliant month spent together, and I cherish every moment with you. Hope as the new term unfolds, we'll spare some time to catch up.

Angel, even though it didn't end the way I wanted, you have opened my heart and touched my life and I thank you for that.

From satellite, your guiding light

my guiding light

Hey guys, I'm in the process of transferring all my blog stuff here. Gonna merge the poetic;lyrical blog together with my real life blog. Maybe add in a song on top of it all.

Well a couple of things have been on my mind recently. Of prime importance, I've cleared the air with Angel, and I'm glad I did. Hope that you understand you're a big part of me, even though you've already got someone.

Such is my fate in relationships. But that's all I'd say for now. Meanwhile, I've got a student coming in at 4 and a boatload of stuff to do before school starts!

till then